Firstly if you know what TTC means (Trying to Conceive) then there’s a good chance you’ve been on this journey too, this is a reminder that you are not alone and it is NOT easy.
My journey started in February 2019 when I officially decided and made the appointment to get my IUD removed. It felt like such a pivotal step in the process and it made me nervous and extremely proud at the same time. My gynecologist went over all the basics with me, including that she always recommends waiting at least 3 months before actively trying to get pregnant in order to let the body adjust and withdraw off the hormones. I appreciated that advice and at the time 3 months felt extremely short, and I knew I’d probably wait even longer.
Around the same time I went online, did a ton of research, and based on the recommendation of many I downloaded the Kindara app and purchased their Wink basal thermometer. I was excited to start tracking my cycle and get to know my body a little more. I was one of the lucky ones, after my IUD was removed I started my cycle 3 days later and had an incredibly smooth transition from there with pretty regular and very manageable cycles.
Fast forward to June and my husband and I spontaneously decided to have truly unprotected sex and it felt incredibly liberating. I had been so mindful for the last several months making sure we wouldn’t have an “oops.” From this point on it felt much more real that we were trying to make a baby. While I was tracking my cycles I was not deliberately tracking my ovulation in order to keep things more spontaneous and less planned.
Life happened and between stress at work and other factors we completely missed my fertile window in both August and September. And on top of that I visited a good girlfriend who had just given birth and on my drive home completely broke down, overwhelmed with emotion and the longing to have a baby of my own. If you know me at all, expressing messy emotions is something I’ve always struggled with, so this was a huge wake up call for me that I had not been honest with myself. I wasn’t actually communication with Andrew and telling him how I felt, and despite trying NOT to control everything I was actually doing just that – instead of letting go and surrendering.
October, and November passed by with negative pregnancy tests and my cycle coming to remind me that I wasn’t pregnant. In addition to that I met up with my girlfriends for coffee, our usual get together, and my one good girlfriend (who had just gotten her birth control removed) announced that she was pregnant. I almost didn’t know how to react at first, I remember having to think quickly and make sure I processed what was happening in order to get something out of my mouth. I was incredibly excited for her, obviously she wants to have babies too, and at the same time overcome with such defeat and shame that it was taking me so long. By the time I got home the whole thing really hit me and I ended up talking to a good friend (who could empathize), and getting a good long cry out.
Within the next few days I seemed to get the same message over and over from different places: your life is not JUST TTC. Your life is still all these different things going on, and you happen to be TTC. And for some reason that was a total mind shift for me. Again, I had been trying too damn hard to not let my life become all about TTC and yet that’s exactly what had happened. And so this message was obviously an intervention from the universe to pull me back together. I went into December fully intentioned on focusing on my relationship with Andrew, loving him, intimacy, self care, etc. And also a sense of, let’s take this month off, no tracking, no worrying about timing, no fertility herbs.
January 6 rolls around, I’m expecting my period but don’t get it. That’s fine, my cycle fluctuates by a day or two with nothing to worry about. January 10 rolls around and I notice that my boobs are pretty sore, which is not a normal physical symptom for me. My husband and I are sitting on the couch that evening and he says, “weren’t you supposed to get your period recently?” and I said, “yeah I’m a good 4 days late at this point…”, he goes, “Maybe you should pee on a stick.”
I am so so excited to say that as of today, I am 14 weeks pregnant! I am so excited and feel incredibly privileged and blessed. I share my story in the hopes that it gives you a feeling of community and a reminder to talk to other women about what you’re going through. I can’t imagine going through this without women that could empathize and I could talk to in detail. And I’d be honored to be one of those women for you if you’d like, please don’t hesitate to reach out. And a reminder that you have your own path, completely unique to you. It can be so hard to accept that when you’re going through it, and that’s okay. Let yourself feel those emotions and go through the ups and downs and let your mind shift when it’s your time. Don’t try to force yourself to “relax” or “surrender” because it won’t work – it’ll happen when you are in the best possible place and when you’re ready.
